Moving forward

I have been in an on and off relationship for 4 years. Almost 2 of those years were long distance. That is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. Not only did I constantly have doubts about my feelings and his feelings. The test was on to see if we were compatible and if we were going to be together, forever.

Although we 'endured' the pangs of being in completely different countries I have to say the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is indeed true. Modern day technology has really made communicating a little easier though and there's nothing greater than instant messaging.

Although it was not always like a scene from a movie, I managed to spend the last two years moulding this woman who is confident, comfortable and content. Who can fall but sure can get up. It sure has been a ride but I realise that our break was essential for the growth of me, and the growth of my relationship. If we hadn't taken this break. Who knows what we would be right now.

I'm no philosopher but from my point of view, I feel for a relationship to grow you really need to be apart for a good and solid amount of time and though I don't condone long distance relationships, I truly believe it is worthwhile to feel that distance for some time.

Through the ups and downs of my relationship I learnt that my journey is a testimony not only of God's grace and answered prayers but also the battle of self realisation and plenty decisions to make on many-a forked road. Everybody has a different route though and no one path is the same therefore you cant use someone else's map, you have to get as creative as possible with what is in front of you.

I'm also not naive enough to believe that the tough times are over and that, this is the fairytale part where everything is picture perfect. Nope. This journey has only just begun! I also find there's nothing more exciting than starting a new year knowing there's a new chapter involved in my life!

As someone who maps out most things meticulously what I've deduced is that we might plan and plan and plan until we are blue in the face but we never know the outcome despite our planning. I figured the only thing to do is to set your eyes on your personal goals and believe that they are completely attainable-Whatever they are, you are human and you are capable. Wherever you find yourself, create solutions with an open-mind. However treacherous the road, if you keep going you are bound to reach your destination. Whenever life throws you lemons, make lemon meringue and stuff your face!

Remember, the past has gone, the future is unpredictable and so the present is definitely a gift-Make the most of it. There's no time like the now to refresh, reflect and rejuvenate.

P.s Happy New Year! Here's to a 2016 that exceeds your basic expectations and is tailored uniquely for your greatness.

Much love, 
Ms Moodz

So what did I learn? (A tribute to 2015)

This year has been far from easy. It really tested me. Funny I should say that because if we were to put all our problems in a bowl, I’m sure 99% of us would gladly reclaim our problems and hug them tight. That much is true. As to not down play my own problems or anyone else’s, I’ve had to look at life as a beautiful, tough journey with chances, choices, opportunities and battles tailored for everyone individually.

 In 365 days, I have learnt a lot about myself and my capabilities, about my family, about my friends, situations, circumstances to name a few. I also learnt to stand for something or fall for anything but also that pleading ignorance and gauging the situation in silence will save you a lot of time and argument with basic minded people. I’ve learnt to develop a hard back and that when I find my back up against the wall the bravest thing to do is gather all my strength and push back.

I journey through life everyday only ever looking up every now and then to try and smell the roses and making some statements along the way. Retrospectively, though it’s ideal and convenient it is also acute signs of a greater problem that is Ostrich Syndrome! ‘Acute Ostrich Syndrome’ is how I land up in November of 2015 and have no clue where time went. Not only that I really look up and realise that I cant pin point one thing that is the same as it was in January or April or July. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with change of course-That is life.

This year taught me that no matter how dark it is, the sun will shine if you only let it. It taught me to believe in myself no matter how hard it is. It taught me to cling to my faith in good times and bad. It taught me that not everything that’s easy in theory is practical but you can always find a way around it. It’s taught me that ‘fake it until you make it’ is a very good way to go about things but faking perfection when you so clearly aren’t even OK may end up disastrous. It taught me that age is nothing but a number. It taught me that nobody owes me anything and I too don’t owe anybody anything. It taught me that without hard work, discipline and perseverance, success is unattainable. It taught me that life is fragile and no day is guaranteed. It taught me that things are exactly how they are supposed to be and my past decisions are what made them so in the present. It has taught me that what the world perceives as normal is not something I need to aspire to be. It taught me to live my mantra; everything is going to be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, its not the end and of course I am my best asset.

So with problems, worries, anxiety and stress aside, what can I say?

Cheers to 2015! May I be a bigger, better and braver version of myself in 2016!

Remember, that the end of the year is not the end of everything or the mark of failure because your goals weren’t reached. It only marks the end of one section of the greater journey and the opportunity to start afresh perhaps with a new strategy to reach that unique level of undisputed greatness. 

Privilege

Writing this very sincere post from a B&B overlooking the sea. I never thought it a privilege.

I'm, you're, we're living in a world that has been struggling and still is battling with this thing called privilege which leads to different spheres; racism, sexism, classism-all the isms. Today, I realised that abusing privilege in every sense of the word is so easy to do, And of that I am guilty.

I was riding a rented bike up and down the side walk this afternoon, over looking this endless and picturesque view of the sea and just soaking up the essence of being. What I forgot to realise is that the very fact that my legs can propel the bike in forward motion, that in itself is privilege. Here I am writing again and being able to write and think, thoughts. That in itself is privilege.

I was taken aback today, caught off guard really, when a lady in a wheelchair came to me and asked me to help her. Not only was I surprised. I was worried. I was reluctant. I immediately thought something bad. Looking back on this I feel like somewhere along the lines, I'm losing that sense of 'ubuntu'-if you will. My country has conditioned me to think that everybody and everything is bad or has ulterior motives, when a lot of the time, all that's needed is genuine help. I helped her anyway, but still found myself second guessing my decision after the fact. How could I be so suspicious and so judging when what I preach daily is love and giving and expecting nothing in return. I so easily forgot my values when the opportunity, to not only preach but practice too, was handed to me on a silver platter. And thinking back...what if she was an angel in disguise sent to teach me a lesson for the day, the month, the year, my lifetime. Well, maybe she wasn't an angel in the conventional sense- with a halo and wings but she definitely gave me something in our brief exchange and our paths were meant to cross.

I have legs to walk... hands that I can use... mouth to talk... eyes to see... hands to right... air to breathe... the list goes on.

As humans... *rephrase* as for myself I have of course taken for granted the simple things I can do and forgotten to just be thankful. The fact that I can do the simple, average things in life is privilege on its own. Time to stop pointing fingers at everyone else about their privilege and realise that I abuse the privilege that is bestowed upon me and maybe start using it wisely and in the correct manner; i.e. helping someone who is unable to help themselves, perhaps.

Remember, privilege is a SPECIAL right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a person or group-Treat that with dignity, use it wisely because just as quickly as the day turns to night, you just never know when you won't have it anymore.

My weekend

The weekend I could be nothing for you but everything for me...

This social butterfly clipped her social wings and went on a solo mission. NOBODY was invited. Some might say I lost the plot temporarily.  Some might say it was an attention seeking stunt. Some might say 'Shes just weird'. Some may have said mood swings... What they may have  assumed was and still is completely irrelevant... 

I needed a refuel. I was not going to achieve that by going out on benders and high fiving and chest bumping, fist pumping and talking to Tom, Dick and Harriet and the other random things I usually get up to on the weekend. The weekend is just under 60 hours and I let my thoughts shape me for all of those hours. Completely unreal. I needed strength and that strength as I keep saying only comes from within.

It’s funny how a  life refuel works... it’s almost like a petrol tank refuel. Actually its exactly like a petrol tank refuel.  Once your car is heading towards empty, the red light pops up and you have to put petrol in. How ever much you put in, will determine how far you go. Somehow, that's exactly how the human is designed too. If you are not going to refuel yourself, you are not going to go very far.

I knew that I needed time. It was petrifying at first because I never need a weekend to myself. i like hanging out, talking, learning, exploring and experiencing but a hearty cheers to this situation because it was so edifying! And successfully, I learnt new things about myself. It was great to just be by myself and do everything for me! I didn’t have to double check if everyone else was okay with it, if someone else was coming, I just had to make sure I was okay and happy and how often in life do we get those moments?  

By blocking out the outside world, I had so many epiphanies... 

Sharing is good. Indeed it is good. Sharing is very good. Sharing my time, my advice, my belongings, my kindness, myself-All very good. I am of the opinion that I can always do more of sharing but this weekend I realised that if I do not take 5 minutes away for myself, I will have nothing to share.  Everybody needs space and it should definitely be a non-negotiable kind of affair. As much as we should be selfless we need to be selfish. Why? Because you are your first responsibility. If you have not taken care of you, you have no business taking care of me.

I also had to remind myself that, it's important not to forget where you came from and remember where you promised yourself you were headed. Also remembering obstacles are very much part of the journey. The minute you turn your head slightly, that's when it could get extremely blurry.  

To end my weekend, I found something fascinating on Facebook it read “Tell me about your life in 6 words”. I'm a firm believer of everything is exactly how it should be.  On reading those words, I realised almost immediately that, this was the final piece to completing my castle of thoughts. The first words that still came to  mind amidst the turmoil were “I was born to be great!” upon counting- 6 words on the dot. 

I'm no genius and by no stretch of the imagination a fortune teller but I figured as long as I'm armed with that attitude, no matter how wobbly it gets, I will be pull through and things are going to be just fine!

Left out

Left out...

I've been hearing a lot of this story lately and not only is it sitting on my last nerve but In the greater scheme of things, I find it sad.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the idea of feeling left out is just the need to fit in. I've tried thinking about why when I hear those words I feel so irritated and I've concluded that it's because I just have no desire to be anything or anyone but myself. Hmmm... Maybe just Beyonce sometimes.

It's completely natural not only to feel but be left out for most of your life. Why is it such a big deal? The fact of life is, you can never be the person that fits the mould of every situation. You can never be the person who is everyone's favourite. You can never be the taste for every palate... What you can do is be yourself and see how perfectly you fit exactly where you are supposed to be even if it means being left out of where you aren't.

We gallop through a lot of different situations on this journey. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for a reason and somehow the universe shows us this daily. We just have to look and use those enormous parts embedded in our heads  to start understanding. For some divine reason, we are created and moulded for diversity and for that reason, I am. He is. She is. They are. You are. We are!

I don't know how but I've gotten to a point of comfortable, confident and content. Realising there's so much of me for me, that feeling "left out" is the least of my worries. I will admit I'm an undiscovered lunatic and can solemnly swear some of my best moments have been by myself. If I'm not the perfect fit for a situation, that's just a situational loss.

I think the problem stems from the fact that in life we are constantly, unconsciously having to prove ourselves to everybody and everything forgetting that the most important element is proving everything to ourselves. I say this because when the curtains close and the lights go out, we are only left to answer to ourselves. Proving points is exactly how we start to lose ourselves.

Now as I approach my 27th birthday I wish I knew then what I know now. I probably would have saved myself a lot of teenage and early twenties headache and heartache trying to fit in, instead of embracing the fact that as a human I was never born to fit in, I was born to be left out. Luckily enough, in the moments I'm left out, those are the moments I find tiny bits of myself.

Remember, fitting in is not important. Standing out and pushing all boundaries, finding the way to the best you is! Unfortunately, that is the road less travelled but really, in the words of Dr Seuss "Why fit in when you were born to stand out? "

Self Worth

If anyone told me 20 years ago there are things I will need to think about in depth on my own, I probably would have looked at them and asked for a Happy Meal. 

And so with aging, there's always circumstances and situations coming up that you were never briefed for. Everyday is a new adventure. Everyday is an opportunity for a blessing. One of the things I've come to think about is, self worth. Self worth. Am I worthy? Worthy to who? Worthy for what?

In a world where self worth is influenced and measured by many things sometimes materialistic and sometimes not, I feel I really have to dig deep on some days. Self esteem is easily broken but sometimes not the easiest thing to rebuild.

TV ads, magazines and other media paint a picture of thin, toned well proportioned ladies and chiseled men with bodies that could melt butter. In our world, that is what is seen as perfection. The bigger ladies and gents are suddenly not perfect. 

So you flipped the page in that magazine and there was Sally-Anne* with her perfect skin, perfect ponytail, perfect teeth, perfect eyes and there you are weighing in at 100 gazillion kilograms with a stomach fit to contend with a pregnant cow. At that point, of course, it is hard to paint yourself in a beautiful light. 

Well, what I didn't realise then is the essence of self worth is that it is more than what I look like on the outside. Self worth is something more than that. Something bigger than anything aesthetically pleasing.

Waking up with conviction and confidence,  looking in that mirror and telling myself 'Ok fine pimple! You win today but I still have so much to offer to myself, to my family, to my friends, to my colleagues and to the people I encounter everyday.' With this attitude in mind,  I think  the basics of the subject 'Self Esteem 101' have been mastered.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think self worth is cockiness or an over zealous ego although the concept can be confused. It is definitely not making anyone around you feel small or invalid either. I think it's just knowing that you are worthy to live despite what society says and its confines.

So I think, self worth is understanding and owning that maybe physically I am fat or thin, tall or short, female or male, African or European,  Caucasian, Indian or Mixed raced. I have long, short, blonde, black, straight, kinky or curly hair. Blue, brown or green eyes. Awesome! That is what I can see with my naked eye but underneath that I am beautiful, I am respectful and treated with respect in return, I am fair, I am helpful, I am kind to others, I am strong for myself and above all, I am a living and breathing and worthy human!

Remember,  self worth is simply knowing your worthy of anything good. Anything great-That and more is your portion of the pie.

Happiness is...

"What image do you equate with happiness?"

At the time of my first question, I was just asking so I can revamp the look and feel of my blog. The various answers from my fans and fams got me here! *sounding trumpets* We have a blog post! 

I took to the streets of my life loaded with this very strong and seemingly intelligent question. Jotter in hand? Nope, just an open mind ready to receive. I posed the question to most friends and family a like in a very casual kind of way. (Yes, you were my social experiments for the day!)

...I'm not going to lie I got some weird answers and often my face was scrunched up like a bad piece of paper. Eyebrow lifting and all. My confused expression was often also followed by an over the top, "Oh..COOL ok. "

Although really, what is weird and really what is cool? 

At school we are conditioned to think the same, look the same and do the same and later on graded the same. But something that always got me is, if we all come from different backgrounds, walks of life, circumstances among other contrasts, we obviously then, can't think the same... So, why is a mouse graded for his capabilities as a horse? Or in my case, a lion graded as a stray village cat. 

I guess that's where growing older and liberal thinking gets involved. I am no longer in school and can understand that my friend equates happiness to mindlessly eating Kit Kat, another to puppies. My cousin equates happiness to money, another to children. My sqeezah* equates happiness to me. My mother equates happiness to knitting and I equate happiness to eating. (Always eating and pandas at a close second). Those things, all very different 'happinesses' but all very fine 'happinesses'. We can exist together and get along. Almost like complex puzzle pieces that make a gorgeous image in the end. The catch though is to be patient. 

This is the beauty and journey of life! 

What you think. What I think. Different. What I perceive. What you perceive. Original. It doesn't make me or you less human. Less special. Less fantastic. Less anything in fact. It just makes me, me and makes you, you.

My uniqueness builds a rare character and whether it's slugs, pugs, Uggs or mugs I equate with happiness, that is still definitely something to celebrate. I have every right to smile because I have something exciting that I can think of, draw happiness to myself and repel misery. Not too shabby! 

Remember, happiness can't be measured with a ruler. 

Just human

I am human! 

I tend to convince myself that I'm actually some creature with super human powers. Something like bat woman, spider woman. Something straight out a comic book. Eventually, I'm humbled and reminded that indeed I am mortal.

Last week I was faced with the weirdest set of events and subsequently a difficult decision. The reality is, it can definitely be worse but positivity is knowing it can also get and be much better.

The crux of the situation was to choose between something logically correct and something circumstantially correct. I have never felt so helpless to myself in all my lifetime! I was the one asking for advice and no matter what anyone said, I still really needed a match, a lighter, a torch or anything that could illuminate that which felt like darkness. 

Every circumstance is a lesson and so I learnt and possibly grasped the fact that, my decisions, my being, my life has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me. I am living and breathing for me. When you reach a crossroad in life, that is when you have to push the hardest and trust that your gut wont lead you astray.

And so I typed up the email that was and ended that which was slowly drilling a hole in my spirit. After that exercise I was reconciled with the fact that everything that is, is how it should be and everything that was is how it was supposed to be. In a moment of silence and a not so quick but eventual epiphany, I realised I made the right decision. And like a bird, I let that situation fly... away from me.

Remember, life is too long! Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy and most importantly always bounce back!

Channel your inner child

Hey readers,

First things first, Happy New Month! May the second half of 2015 be everything you wished for! 

Okay, formalities out the way, do you ever reminisce on the days where you didn't have big people stuff to do? Where colouring in the lines was the only problem you had to worry about and smudging your koki pen on your clothes was the only real thing that could go wrong? Boldly rocking leotards in every wacky design and colour. Watching Beauty and the Beast without really knowing the enormous words but mimicking every word and action Belle did and said anyway. Ahh those good times!

I did miss those days until I decided to undecide that, that way of life is childish. I realised my inhibitions are just caged because of me, not the lady staring at me in wonder because I want "One ticket to Disney on ice, please!"

Please don't get me wrong. I am a mature adult *insert dramatic pause* I do what I'm supposed to. I pay bills, that don't make sense, buy marked down goods to save a buck or two, make sure there's petrol in the car, also recently abolished tardiness. Erm... what else, I exercise and eat right-ish and.......Oh look! There's a bird!

No really, the only thing about me that might rebut my maturity is the disclaimer I come with, "Never skimp on childlike ways, dude." I think I perfected the balance of adult at body and child at heart. (Well, that's my opinion, not fact based at all)

Being a child was just incredibly fun! It was so fun. I remember so vividly riding my purple bicycle (my biggest fear then was falling- only because I'm mortally petrified of blood) and devouring cake without thinking once, "Hmm, how many calories is this?". What was I thinking all those days I was told 'You're just a child' and subsequently flying into a fit of rage. I was no child! I was a pre-teen. 

I take nothing away from being an adult. I'm very grateful to be a young adult who has eyes to see, nose to breathe, mouth to talk and taste (mainly talk) fingers to type and gumption to journey through life. I'm humbled to know the things I do- good and bad. I choose to incorporate my inner child into doing grown up things. Yes, make no mistake! I am the overprotective auntie that will bounce with her niece on the trampoline. Eat ice cream from a cone and get some on her nose. Race my nephews to the end of the street and always give them a high five anyway when they lose. 

Ah! The excitement that is being free, feeling free-dropping every concern, burden, frustration, aggravation in the world and riding a unicorn into a mystical place where animals talk, the sun giggles and flowers smile. No, I'm not crazy- To me, that is living! 

If you happen to find me in a fancy attire playing frantically with a teddy bear dispensing machine at a game arcade, its not only because I tend to get competitive or because there's something fundamentally wrong with me upstairs but really because I know something about this life thing that you, serious adult, don't... 

Remember, age is nothing but a number. One say use the last number in your double digit to set yourself free. Go on now with your fierce self, channel your inner child! 

Definitions

I am a lot of things to other people. To name a few I'm the mischievous daughter, demanding little sister, crazy friend, difficult diva, loyal confidant, notorious frenemy, self professed comedian, aspiring... that list goes on.

Writing to you (believing that 'you' is not just an imaginary friend) every week has probably been the most therapeutic decision I have ever made. I've opened my eyes to endless possibilities. Adventures. For you and for me. I guess that would also make me a selfless writer or rather in the words of the cool kids, a blogger.

In this life thing we get two kinds of people, people who will love everything we do and people who will hate everything we do. I've read so many posts where people say things like "This one is for my haters..."-Record skip please. What?! What hath possessed you to use your data/ wi-fi, fingers, time and other important things needed to shout out to someone who hates you? 

Please stop that with immediate effect! Use that energy to shout out to your lovers platonic and otherwise.  They will appreciate it more. And maturity is... *cue JayZ dirt off my shoulders*

People define us everyday, every second. Perhaps you found yourself picking your nose in traffic (guilty) that woman in her beamer was probably thinking, DISGUSTING or letting one rip while laughing, (guilty) the people who smelled it must have thought, PIG or mistakenly throwing an eff bomb, (not guilty) your in laws may have thought unkempt and just like that you are a DISGUSTING, UNKEMPT PIG! 

That interview you went to last week the minute you stepped in you were defined. You were either fit or unfit for the position. The power rested in your hands. You had the swaying vote. (I want to state on record,  this is the one time you should care what a person thinks.)

Well, life is like an interview with an interviewer, everyday. You can define yourself or be defined. Completely and utterly up to you. I've decided that I'm the interviewer and interviewee here. I'm going to define myself and the only person I have to prove that to is myself. Whatever anybody else thinks of me is absolutely their business. I refuse to stress myself over things I can't change (or rather can change through copious amounts of effort. Not worth it). With that being said there are boundaries, which is probably a discussion for another time but to give you an idea using my moral compass is a good start.

I would rather focus on things I want to be and digest the fact that I can BE! It's as simple as 1,2,3 and 4 (I added the four because I can be an accountant too)

Remember, a definition is almost like a sum of words. Do yourself a favour. Make. Your. Own.

Me + awesome= I AM AWESOME! 

Change?!...

Hey readers,

Xenophobic attacks have calmed down but sadly our beautiful country is still plagued. 

I find myself in all kinds of situations. This is my journey...

I drove past a police raid where the police removed harmless hawkers and their loot. I don't know much about where they end up but hearsay says their stock is held ransom, only to be retrieved once ransom is paid in full . If this is true, it makes no sense. I'm not sure how hawkers affect anyone. Maybe someone could shed some light on my 'ignorance'.

I respect hawkers as they choose to get up and work everyday like every other respectable/respectful citizen who wants what they have. 

I don't want to get into too much detail because I don't know all the facts but I do know that my country has bigger problems than hawkers. It's time the focus shifted from the trivial. 

On the flip side of that, I've recently been shown some unrequited love by criminals. I'm so grateful I came out unscathed every single time. I weep for criminals, they are just broken souls. Luckily, most things that are broken can be fixed. 

Although I do not understand their reasons for causing inconvenience,  I understand that it is hard. It is hard for everyone. The difference between you and me is that I hustle to buy that pretty dress whereas you choose to steal it. 

I don't believe anyone is born bad. I think we are made bad. Through various knock downs, disappointments, problems inter alia. 

This last paragraph is a tribute to you Mr or Miss thief...

I could very well sit here and hurl curses at you but that doesn't edify me. We don't have bad blood between us. I hope what you found in my belongings helped you in some way. I send you peace. I pray that you find stability. 

Funny enough, you did something for me. You made me think about wanting to turn around my country somehow for the better. In that light,  thank you.

Remember,  material things are just that but things like freedom, integrity, respect and self value those things cannot be bought... nor stolen.

Inside-Out

I go through my posts on Twitter, just to monitor what should be erased. Also to see how far I've come or how far I haven't come. With 11 something thousand plus tweets, I do occasionally get tired and abandon ship but on this specific day, I guess I had time and I was supposed to see this. I came past a post I retweeted and that got me thinking again.

"If you were to take spiritual selfies would we be so quick to post them"

Hmmm... Food for thought if there ever was any.

I find myself always taking a picture or 15 before I leave the house to do my everyday and ordinary things with a caption to the effect of #Fleeky #Saturday #FaceBeat... You know the drill... (Us social media freaks make up hashtags as we go along #YouWereNeverReady). As someone who has decided to take up a physical journey watching my face shrink and shrink and body almost (but not really) turn unrecognisable ,  I feel brand new! Yes! I feel fantastic. I'm physically probably the thinnest I've ever been but am I as "thin" and fabulous on the inside as the outside... *cue awkward but very real silence*

Working on the outside is not as effective if you do not work on your inside too. Full body cleanse needed. I always use my key analogy when I'm faced with interesting situations. It's simple, I figured when I feel like I am stuck at a certain stage in life, it's only because life is trying to tell me that "Yo my guy, you haven't completely finished this level." When I am done the key will  surely turn. Perhaps for me, this one simple change is the missing link for my key... a squeaky clean inside.

On my long lists of wants, somewhere up there, I want that. I want to work on making my inside selfie as polished as my outside selfie(s)- so many of them out there. #NewTask #NewChallenge

This surely means a list of things and a huge commitment but a basic summary would probably be; compassion, love, care, honesty and... I'm not entirely sure of the whole list yet. I'll get there.  It's part of my journey....

...After all what is a princess without a heart of gold?

Remember, your inside is as valuable as your outside. Work hard on both. And just... Be a good human!

Oops, there's a glitch!

Hey readers and fellow bloggers. I'm alive and kicking! I surprised myself too! :)

This post is so overdue its not even funny! 

To be honest this post was first created about two weeks ago and you know how I've been talking about curve balls? They are a thing! Possibly (should be read and understood as possibly) a lovely thing if the bad connotations are stripped and we change the angle we look at them.

Anyway, I've been auto piloting by some philosophy I created one day; 

"Let Positivity Reign!"

 It does seem hard to fulfill when setbacks are thrown our way.

Dare I say last week, I had a week that came straight from the pits of hell! #ScratchThat I had two weeks that came straight from hell.

Week 1: It started off with an unbalanced feeling so me being me, I blamed it on PMS! But that gut feeling is a real thing. As true as a new born child,  my week ended on quite a low. 

Week 2: Again a bit unbalanced but also very sick and convincing myself that I am fine! True as a nose bleed (weird thing that, isn't it) my week ended off on another low. Alright universe I get it, I'm a rotten person. 

'They' say things like, if you feel like you're going through hell, keep going... After feeling very sorry for myself for all of 36 hours I woke up two weeks ago Monday, reluctant. It's hard especially when Monday is already frowned upon. I had so much to do other than normal Monday stuff, it suddenly felt like the responsibilities of the whole world rested on my shoulders. Wow! The understanding was almost instantaneous and I just knew that my attitude needed to change and be put back in check. I'll be first to admit, I'm slow to the uptake so the implementation wasn't as quick but fast forward two weeks, today Monday 1 June, I woke up with the attitude that I owned a ray of sunshine. #NewMonth #SameMe #NewOutLook

In my head, this week is not going to end like the last two weeks. In fact I want to personally thank the last two weeks because now I can stop and appreciate the beauty of simplicity and complexity in this thing called life. 

"When there's life there's hope"-Kesiena (I'm not sure if you are the original sayer of this but I'm going to go ahead and credit it to you)

So, Sir Winston Churchill, I would have to disagree with you. If you are going through hell  don't keep going. Turn around and change your course. There are exquisite surprises lying everywhere. 

Remember, things fall apart to rebuild themselves. Possibly in a better way. And it wouldn't be so bad to just...#LetPositivityReign

Relationships

Relationshi

While, as usual, I had a lot to blurb about for this installment, I decided relationships would be the most fitting.

Non platonic relationships...I remember so vividly heartbreak being 15 plus days with a box of tissues, chocolate, episodes of Sex and the City (Mr Big always drove me up the wall. FYI), wine and a girls night with men bashing in order. I could swear that, that and more was going to happen if ever I broke up with my current ex. We were forever! You can only imagine my shock when none of that happened. I sat quietly in my room. Pondering...  What? Where's the heart break sound? The slow motion run after him on the beach as the sun sets? Where is the empty soul feeling? Oh dear, I think there's something wrong with this script!

Platonic relationships...In my childhood days, I always thought I would have one best friend for the rest of my life and nobody else would be my bestie or anything close. We would get married to two boys (who were also best friends) at the same time and same venue. Ladies and gentlemen,  I was all wrong and somewhat delusional! Though I still have my bestie, I recently adopted a bunch of friends.  We kinda "found" each other. Right on time I'd say. Sitting at dinner one night we raised our wine glasses proudly to being single and happiness and, and, and... And we realised life has put us in the same spot at the same time. Not just physically, duh! But entirely. Somebody exclaimed the words, "We have another thing in common!" With a blood drained look on my face, I do remember replying with the words, "How awesome!" but what I thought was; Deeeeep! Where was my one and only bestie? How come she is not experiencing what I am? How are we not in the same spot? No man! This script is really wrong!

 All of this got me thinking... (all those Facebook quotes I've liked over the years were not in vain. They make perfect sense now!)

Some people are in your life for a reason and others just a season: 

I can't help but think that life has a reason for bringing people together or pulling them apart. This makes me think back on all the heart break I've experienced and all the friendships I've let go off. Those situations are absolutely how they were supposed to be.

Everything happens for a reason:

I can't help but be grateful for life and its quirks. I can't help but accept the fact that I may well have 'loved and lost' but instead of mopping around, bask in the understanding that life will go on and it will place itself not quite how or where I planned or imagined it but exactly how it is supposed to be. 

Let go:

Hoarding and holding on to people and situations that don't serve me anymore is useless. And time wasting. And toxic! Pursuing happiness and growing very well means letting go of a heavy past and trusting that the future will avail itself beautifully. 

Finally, my mantra, 

I am my first and longest commitment:

I spent 27 years of my life not realising nor focusing on this. Relationships come and go but I can't leave myself. Why haven't I put as much work into myself as I have into everyone and everything else? 

Shooo! #MindBlown

On using my brain cells, I can say for one, I have a fully functional brain. (Yay me!) I can also say, I have learnt a lot by simply putting things into PERSPECTIVE! Though the lense in the magnifying glass is not clear but still yet not so blurry either, I'll take it.

Remember, life is one up and down slippy, slidey, slopey, windy kinda thing. To live fully you just have to be ready to go through the motions.

Goals

Goals are those little rascals that seem so unattainable in the beginning. It's almost like looking up at Mount Everest from the bottom. *Cue Drake-started from the bottom.* also followed by *BIG SIGH*

If only I knew then what I know now, huh? I can't go back so whats left to do is to move forward and setting realistic attainable goals is the best thing I could do for myself. Long term, short term even middle term. And not just, OK long term: I want to be married with kids and short term: um *scratches head* I want to cut my toe nails... Although I think those things are quite important it is probably better to challenge yourself! 

At the beginning of the year, I knew I had some achievements to meet this year. Whilst in a quiet introspective look at myself I realized, 365 days had passed me by and what did I have to show for it? Some bruises from a rowdy girls night out, a rocky relationship and manicured nails. That is when i thought; No. Ways. Come now! So I filled my plate . It was BUFFET TIME with the weight loss "goal" being one of those things I would take by the horn. If you can conquer obesity in a world where life is food and food is love, I believe you are unconquerable. 

95kgs was what I was working with and 65kgs is what I wanted and all I could think was a) Wow you have let yourself go, child and b) how on earth will you get back to 65kgs. What? That's unheard of... Little did I know, nothing is unheard of and nothing is impossible!

I then set a realistic date and time and weight. Garsh! In the beginning jumping on a scale and it has the audacity to tell me, I have lost a grand total of  *cue drum roll* 0.3kg. What??? That's enough to bring tears to any grown woman's face, (There have been days my scale almost met its untimely demise against a wall), especially when you know you shunned that greasy meal your mom made not once but twice. In the past I would usually feel like "Ok doll you tried shame. Now just give up" this time around it was all different. I can't express. I ran even when I didn't want to. I did yoga looking very ungraceful twisting and bending my body like a contortionist of sorts and once or twice almost breaking my arm trying to get creative. I ate vegetables although those carbs looked mouth watering. (Why does bad food always have a way of calling your name? ) Anyway before I knew it 10 kgs down, 20kgs down and finally the BIG 30! I can tell you there is no greater joy. 

That's just one simple anecdote. I have a few more in my bag on trick but that's a tale for another day.

 I've decided this year is a time to work on myself and everything else will fall into place. Love, peace, relationships, friendships, work among other things. Weirdly, they have for the most part. In my head, it ties up to the saying love yourself and love will find you. 

Of course, I am human there have been days where I get too anxious and feel too overwhelmed and think, 'No I'm done. I quit now! I'm done with this. This is stupid!' Retrospectively, I'm so glad I've kept pushing. The realisation that my journey is not a one day game, its a lifetime effort and commitment. 

Things are not perfect but they are good. That glitch in the road is exactly where it's supposed to be . It's up to me to move around it, over it, on it or let it defeat me. And defeat is something that my inner competitor rejects. (You will often here me calling out rematch!)

Look at what you have, appreciate it, change the things you don't like, set realistic goals, reach for them and keep moving. You'd be surprised at what you can conquer.

As for my next goal, moving cities and/or countries. I'm looking up at the apex of that mountain and it's looking down at me with a smirk. I'll keep looking up because I'm already on my mark, getting set.... AND the rest... well... That will be history.

Remember, the mind is a powerful place. Most things are mind over matter! 

Friendzoner (n) a person who puts you in the friendzone

Friendzonee (n) a person who has been put in the friendzone by the friendzoner

Friendzoned (v) a zone in life that nobody leaves

We meet again...

Friendzone... friendzone, friendzone! is the mysterious and mystical place where all crushes go to die!!!! It doesn't matter how many centuries you have been hanging out there, NOBODY LEAVES FRIENDZONE!

 I would like to lament on this subject for a little bit as this is a phase in life we have ALL been through. Or rather stuck at. (Unless you are Beyonce... oh wait... NO. See "Best thing I never had" for friendzone reference. Even you, Beyonce!) 

The dreaded friendzone, la friendzone, il friendzono. 

As long as you are a living, breathing, talking, not talking, walking, not walking,  winking, not winking, farting human being you have been put in this box at least once- sadly, this box is made of corrugated iron! It's sad and pathetic in there innit?

I JOKE! Let me tell you that you are bigger than that box. Do not despair. 

As a human, i find it is so easy to be absorbed by this fantasy world. We often get caught up in what could be if we just did this and that. But the hard and humble truth is if he only saw you as a friend in the beginning, there is slim to none chances he sees you as anything romantic now. Unless of course you are in some bombastic Hollywood production. #CutEdit

To eliminate confusion, friends should be honest with each other. Yes, it will be awkies in the beginning but true friendship stands the test of awkward. 10 years from now you might both be telling your kids this same friendzone story. With that said, friendzone is still pretty hilarious. You have got to admit!

People take rejection in so many different ways. Some people soar after being rejected and unfortunately some people aren't as successful in their bid to flap their wings. Rejection makes us feel horrible and ridiculous but on the flip side it builds character. If you have warm blood in your veins, you have felt both those feelings.

Dear friendzonee, you are not the first nor will you ever be the last to feel rejection. Dust yourself off and try again (somewhere else). Life is too precious,  life is too long, life is too awesome! If the maxim "There is someone out there for everyone" is true, you are someone and you will find your Princess Charms and/or Prince Charming.

As my blog title suggests, I have been on a Journey this past year. A journey of self growth, self value and self love. I still have a long way to go and much to learn but I know strength comes from within. Love comes within. Peace comes from within. Joy comes from within. Not from anybody but myself.  Because these are things I value, nobody can devalue me. Be it a teacher,  a friend, an enemy,  a family member, a friendzoner inter alia. That confidence, I single handedly build and work on everyday, you, sir/ madam are not entitled to break that or me. 

At the end of the day,  the way I see this friendzone thing is; allow yourself to be friendzoned at least once in your life. One day, you will appreciate the fact that somebody else has the ability to love you, flaws and all, bent eye and smelly belly button. Making that once friendzoner seem not so important afterall.

Remember, life is a garden you are a shovel so dig it!

Xenophobia

For so many months, I've sat down and thought to write a blog. I usually get frustrated that twitter only gives me 140 characters to express myself. 'I oftn fynd myself writin lyk dis'. which is not conducive for what my heart is dying to say also makes me look very, for lack of a better word 'unintelligible'. Today, in the midst of this South Africans vs. Africans, I felt the need to speak out!

My heart is sore! To say the very least. I am pained for my country I am pained for the people in my country, I am pained at the lackadaisical actions from my leaders, i am pained that in a country that has claimed to embrace a rainbow nation, there is no rainbow.

Whoaaa so many things going through my head. How do i make it sound, intelligent? maybe i don't maybe i should just type... back space, ill come at you later.


This isn't the first time we've experienced xenophobic attacks in South Africa, many innocent lives are lost, peoples hard earned money is thrown down the toilet through looting. Please tell me why? How would you like it if someone came and took the food out of your fridge, cupboard pantry and through it on the floor? Would you not feel pain? a sense of loss? You worked hard for that. what are you going to eat now? what are your children going to eat? how is your family going to survive? How would you feel if somebody came up to and said your were not brown enough now you die! South Africans, were is that spirit of UBUNTU?

Dear South Africa, I'm horribly worried for our well being and our future. I've read a lot of posts today from people saying 'Who do you think housed us during apartheid?' Such a legit question, who do you think it was? Our neighboring countries of course, 'the foreigners'. yes we were once foreigners and nobody tried to kill us,  in fact they treated us like eggs. fragile, delicate and not to be hurt. Today the same nations come to us for refuge and we turn a blind eye. Our leaders who themselves fought in the struggle say nothing to counter attack these heinous crimes. Why? is filling your pocket more important than human life??! We have been the laughing stock for some many reasons through the years. Isn't it time to take up a new persona. One that does not label us, 'barbaric'.

Today, i tweeted, #BlackOnBlackViolence not xenophobia. I find truth in this statement. as far as i know xenophobia is the fear of other nationalities, as far as i can see china mall is standing tall. as far as i can see Portuguese, Indian, Pakistani, Italian shops and restaurants are standing strong-business as usual. So how can we label this xenophobia?  This IS  a repetition of history BLACK ON BLACK VIOLENCE! This is a level of hate that not even the most hardened criminal can understand.

I volunteered in a township about 2 years ago with such an intelligent bunch of youth and they were so driven, so focused and one of the sections we did was Xenophobia. I asked them 'what makes a person a foreigner?' They said a person that isn't born in South Africa. i said 'Okay, cool is that all? yes. 'so why are purple, orange, yellow, white people not being attacked?' That silence was nothing short of deafening. Nobody ever has the answer to that question. I then went on to tell them that well, I have a South African name and surname, my parents are South African, their parents are South African, we speak South African languages but according to your definition, I AM NOT SOUTH AFRICAN because i wasn't born here. Isn't that weird? Stop with the labels and you will see we are all alike.

This xenophobia thing hits close to home. I grow up in a multinational family. oh boy! anybody who knows me, knows i am proud to boast about my family. we are so cool. Nigeria, Ghana, Lesotho, Swaziland Ethiopia Malawi Tanzania Zambia (you name it, we've got it)! We are a rainbow nation. Growing up that was so normal to me but now living in a country, my country, that believes my family is alien, that is not okay with me. To think that the safety of my precious, unique and beautiful family is at risk in certain areas of the country is ridiculous. We are not alien, your thinking is alien!

South Africa, no man is an island. We might think we are living in the land of milk and honey now but at this rate it looks like we are on a steady decline. Investors will not want to invest in a country plagued by violence and hooligans. With Nigeria's GDP being higher than ours already last year, they are hitting the ground running. I don't want to look back one day on a memory that was beautiful South Africa and be stuck here because other nationals in this country have burned bridges for me without my consent. As it is we already can't get into other Continents without a visa, whereas 10 years ago i could go to England visa free on my South African passport (this is not hearsay). Soon we will be labelled as hooligans and trapped in the borders of South Africa-to some that may seem like utopia but in reality this situation is not something to be proud of. I guess only if you have traveled you will realize that more beauty lies outside the borders of South Africa- as close to home as Lesotho.

With all that said, 21 years of democracy as the cliche goes, we have so much growing up to do. i pray whole-heartedly that we can come back from this circus and restore UBUNTU. Remember that you are African before you are South African. Respect our motherland and respect our history!