Victim or victor

The days, weeks and months leading up to this post have been slow, somewhat treacherous and equally as frustrating. I’ve spent copious amounts of days with ‘clipped wings’- Death of motivation for a busy be like myself. Unfortunately, instead of practicing what I have preached in the past, I’ve found it easier to feel like a victim.

Yesterday, today, last week, a month ago, January the 31^st, those were all borrowed time that I realize to my self-detriment, I have wasted. I’ve wasted them because I have single-handedly chosen not to apply myself. What do I say to that? Sies! (Yuck) No more!

As the journey continues, it’s clear that it is so easy to hit a bump in this road and another, and then another and another and another until it eventually feels like there’s no smooth patch in sight, relentlessly throwing you into the deep end of doubt, disbelief and sometimes neglect-A deep vortex that some people don’t ever find their way out of. As I gather the courage to walk on, I need to realize that these tough days will come, and they will come fierce. And you know what ‘victim’, it happens. Furthermore, the victim attitude gets you nowhere.

Dear Stranger, nobody said yesterday would be easy and tomorrow would be easier but once you apply yourself and think, there are things you can do today to take the load off tomorrow.

Dear Modiegi, it’s a normal course of life that the sun won't shine everyday but in everyday there’s an opportunity to shine- you’d be a fool not to seize those opportunities.

Dear life, sometimes it’s so hard to say thank you, but really thank you for today, yesterday and the possibility that there will be tomorrow.

The shutdown of procrastination, leads to wrapping my head around the fact that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but today is. The opportunity to carpe diem exists and should be respected. Every day that I get to breathe, automatically makes that a day to win. Let the fact that we live in a world where so many people don’t get the opportunity to see a new day, a new month, a new year or even celebrate the next birthday sink in… That should be enough motivation to get going and use today to do better!

Of course, I don’t have all the solutions on hand, but I would think the first chapter of the manual is titled ‘Start Somewhere’.

Remember, it can rain everyday but even in the toughest storms, there will come a calm. Dance in the rain and push through the storm. It is a self-service to strive to be a victor not victim of this thing called, life.

Moving forward

I have been in an on and off relationship for 4 years. Almost 2 of those years were long distance. That is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. Not only did I constantly have doubts about my feelings and his feelings. The test was on to see if we were compatible and if we were going to be together, forever.

Although we 'endured' the pangs of being in completely different countries I have to say the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is indeed true. Modern day technology has really made communicating a little easier though and there's nothing greater than instant messaging.

Although it was not always like a scene from a movie, I managed to spend the last two years moulding this woman who is confident, comfortable and content. Who can fall but sure can get up. It sure has been a ride but I realise that our break was essential for the growth of me, and the growth of my relationship. If we hadn't taken this break. Who knows what we would be right now.

I'm no philosopher but from my point of view, I feel for a relationship to grow you really need to be apart for a good and solid amount of time and though I don't condone long distance relationships, I truly believe it is worthwhile to feel that distance for some time.

Through the ups and downs of my relationship I learnt that my journey is a testimony not only of God's grace and answered prayers but also the battle of self realisation and plenty decisions to make on many-a forked road. Everybody has a different route though and no one path is the same therefore you cant use someone else's map, you have to get as creative as possible with what is in front of you.

I'm also not naive enough to believe that the tough times are over and that, this is the fairytale part where everything is picture perfect. Nope. This journey has only just begun! I also find there's nothing more exciting than starting a new year knowing there's a new chapter involved in my life!

As someone who maps out most things meticulously what I've deduced is that we might plan and plan and plan until we are blue in the face but we never know the outcome despite our planning. I figured the only thing to do is to set your eyes on your personal goals and believe that they are completely attainable-Whatever they are, you are human and you are capable. Wherever you find yourself, create solutions with an open-mind. However treacherous the road, if you keep going you are bound to reach your destination. Whenever life throws you lemons, make lemon meringue and stuff your face!

Remember, the past has gone, the future is unpredictable and so the present is definitely a gift-Make the most of it. There's no time like the now to refresh, reflect and rejuvenate.

P.s Happy New Year! Here's to a 2016 that exceeds your basic expectations and is tailored uniquely for your greatness.

Much love, 
Ms Moodz

So what did I learn? (A tribute to 2015)

This year has been far from easy. It really tested me. Funny I should say that because if we were to put all our problems in a bowl, I’m sure 99% of us would gladly reclaim our problems and hug them tight. That much is true. As to not down play my own problems or anyone else’s, I’ve had to look at life as a beautiful, tough journey with chances, choices, opportunities and battles tailored for everyone individually.

 In 365 days, I have learnt a lot about myself and my capabilities, about my family, about my friends, situations, circumstances to name a few. I also learnt to stand for something or fall for anything but also that pleading ignorance and gauging the situation in silence will save you a lot of time and argument with basic minded people. I’ve learnt to develop a hard back and that when I find my back up against the wall the bravest thing to do is gather all my strength and push back.

I journey through life everyday only ever looking up every now and then to try and smell the roses and making some statements along the way. Retrospectively, though it’s ideal and convenient it is also acute signs of a greater problem that is Ostrich Syndrome! ‘Acute Ostrich Syndrome’ is how I land up in November of 2015 and have no clue where time went. Not only that I really look up and realise that I cant pin point one thing that is the same as it was in January or April or July. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with change of course-That is life.

This year taught me that no matter how dark it is, the sun will shine if you only let it. It taught me to believe in myself no matter how hard it is. It taught me to cling to my faith in good times and bad. It taught me that not everything that’s easy in theory is practical but you can always find a way around it. It’s taught me that ‘fake it until you make it’ is a very good way to go about things but faking perfection when you so clearly aren’t even OK may end up disastrous. It taught me that age is nothing but a number. It taught me that nobody owes me anything and I too don’t owe anybody anything. It taught me that without hard work, discipline and perseverance, success is unattainable. It taught me that life is fragile and no day is guaranteed. It taught me that things are exactly how they are supposed to be and my past decisions are what made them so in the present. It has taught me that what the world perceives as normal is not something I need to aspire to be. It taught me to live my mantra; everything is going to be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, its not the end and of course I am my best asset.

So with problems, worries, anxiety and stress aside, what can I say?

Cheers to 2015! May I be a bigger, better and braver version of myself in 2016!

Remember, that the end of the year is not the end of everything or the mark of failure because your goals weren’t reached. It only marks the end of one section of the greater journey and the opportunity to start afresh perhaps with a new strategy to reach that unique level of undisputed greatness. 

Privilege

Writing this very sincere post from a B&B overlooking the sea. I never thought it a privilege.

I'm, you're, we're living in a world that has been struggling and still is battling with this thing called privilege which leads to different spheres; racism, sexism, classism-all the isms. Today, I realised that abusing privilege in every sense of the word is so easy to do, And of that I am guilty.

I was riding a rented bike up and down the side walk this afternoon, over looking this endless and picturesque view of the sea and just soaking up the essence of being. What I forgot to realise is that the very fact that my legs can propel the bike in forward motion, that in itself is privilege. Here I am writing again and being able to write and think, thoughts. That in itself is privilege.

I was taken aback today, caught off guard really, when a lady in a wheelchair came to me and asked me to help her. Not only was I surprised. I was worried. I was reluctant. I immediately thought something bad. Looking back on this I feel like somewhere along the lines, I'm losing that sense of 'ubuntu'-if you will. My country has conditioned me to think that everybody and everything is bad or has ulterior motives, when a lot of the time, all that's needed is genuine help. I helped her anyway, but still found myself second guessing my decision after the fact. How could I be so suspicious and so judging when what I preach daily is love and giving and expecting nothing in return. I so easily forgot my values when the opportunity, to not only preach but practice too, was handed to me on a silver platter. And thinking back...what if she was an angel in disguise sent to teach me a lesson for the day, the month, the year, my lifetime. Well, maybe she wasn't an angel in the conventional sense- with a halo and wings but she definitely gave me something in our brief exchange and our paths were meant to cross.

I have legs to walk... hands that I can use... mouth to talk... eyes to see... hands to right... air to breathe... the list goes on.

As humans... *rephrase* as for myself I have of course taken for granted the simple things I can do and forgotten to just be thankful. The fact that I can do the simple, average things in life is privilege on its own. Time to stop pointing fingers at everyone else about their privilege and realise that I abuse the privilege that is bestowed upon me and maybe start using it wisely and in the correct manner; i.e. helping someone who is unable to help themselves, perhaps.

Remember, privilege is a SPECIAL right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a person or group-Treat that with dignity, use it wisely because just as quickly as the day turns to night, you just never know when you won't have it anymore.

My weekend

The weekend I could be nothing for you but everything for me...

This social butterfly clipped her social wings and went on a solo mission. NOBODY was invited. Some might say I lost the plot temporarily.  Some might say it was an attention seeking stunt. Some might say 'Shes just weird'. Some may have said mood swings... What they may have  assumed was and still is completely irrelevant... 

I needed a refuel. I was not going to achieve that by going out on benders and high fiving and chest bumping, fist pumping and talking to Tom, Dick and Harriet and the other random things I usually get up to on the weekend. The weekend is just under 60 hours and I let my thoughts shape me for all of those hours. Completely unreal. I needed strength and that strength as I keep saying only comes from within.

It’s funny how a  life refuel works... it’s almost like a petrol tank refuel. Actually its exactly like a petrol tank refuel.  Once your car is heading towards empty, the red light pops up and you have to put petrol in. How ever much you put in, will determine how far you go. Somehow, that's exactly how the human is designed too. If you are not going to refuel yourself, you are not going to go very far.

I knew that I needed time. It was petrifying at first because I never need a weekend to myself. i like hanging out, talking, learning, exploring and experiencing but a hearty cheers to this situation because it was so edifying! And successfully, I learnt new things about myself. It was great to just be by myself and do everything for me! I didn’t have to double check if everyone else was okay with it, if someone else was coming, I just had to make sure I was okay and happy and how often in life do we get those moments?  

By blocking out the outside world, I had so many epiphanies... 

Sharing is good. Indeed it is good. Sharing is very good. Sharing my time, my advice, my belongings, my kindness, myself-All very good. I am of the opinion that I can always do more of sharing but this weekend I realised that if I do not take 5 minutes away for myself, I will have nothing to share.  Everybody needs space and it should definitely be a non-negotiable kind of affair. As much as we should be selfless we need to be selfish. Why? Because you are your first responsibility. If you have not taken care of you, you have no business taking care of me.

I also had to remind myself that, it's important not to forget where you came from and remember where you promised yourself you were headed. Also remembering obstacles are very much part of the journey. The minute you turn your head slightly, that's when it could get extremely blurry.  

To end my weekend, I found something fascinating on Facebook it read “Tell me about your life in 6 words”. I'm a firm believer of everything is exactly how it should be.  On reading those words, I realised almost immediately that, this was the final piece to completing my castle of thoughts. The first words that still came to  mind amidst the turmoil were “I was born to be great!” upon counting- 6 words on the dot. 

I'm no genius and by no stretch of the imagination a fortune teller but I figured as long as I'm armed with that attitude, no matter how wobbly it gets, I will be pull through and things are going to be just fine!

Left out

Left out...

I've been hearing a lot of this story lately and not only is it sitting on my last nerve but In the greater scheme of things, I find it sad.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the idea of feeling left out is just the need to fit in. I've tried thinking about why when I hear those words I feel so irritated and I've concluded that it's because I just have no desire to be anything or anyone but myself. Hmmm... Maybe just Beyonce sometimes.

It's completely natural not only to feel but be left out for most of your life. Why is it such a big deal? The fact of life is, you can never be the person that fits the mould of every situation. You can never be the person who is everyone's favourite. You can never be the taste for every palate... What you can do is be yourself and see how perfectly you fit exactly where you are supposed to be even if it means being left out of where you aren't.

We gallop through a lot of different situations on this journey. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for a reason and somehow the universe shows us this daily. We just have to look and use those enormous parts embedded in our heads  to start understanding. For some divine reason, we are created and moulded for diversity and for that reason, I am. He is. She is. They are. You are. We are!

I don't know how but I've gotten to a point of comfortable, confident and content. Realising there's so much of me for me, that feeling "left out" is the least of my worries. I will admit I'm an undiscovered lunatic and can solemnly swear some of my best moments have been by myself. If I'm not the perfect fit for a situation, that's just a situational loss.

I think the problem stems from the fact that in life we are constantly, unconsciously having to prove ourselves to everybody and everything forgetting that the most important element is proving everything to ourselves. I say this because when the curtains close and the lights go out, we are only left to answer to ourselves. Proving points is exactly how we start to lose ourselves.

Now as I approach my 27th birthday I wish I knew then what I know now. I probably would have saved myself a lot of teenage and early twenties headache and heartache trying to fit in, instead of embracing the fact that as a human I was never born to fit in, I was born to be left out. Luckily enough, in the moments I'm left out, those are the moments I find tiny bits of myself.

Remember, fitting in is not important. Standing out and pushing all boundaries, finding the way to the best you is! Unfortunately, that is the road less travelled but really, in the words of Dr Seuss "Why fit in when you were born to stand out? "

Self Worth

If anyone told me 20 years ago there are things I will need to think about in depth on my own, I probably would have looked at them and asked for a Happy Meal. 

And so with aging, there's always circumstances and situations coming up that you were never briefed for. Everyday is a new adventure. Everyday is an opportunity for a blessing. One of the things I've come to think about is, self worth. Self worth. Am I worthy? Worthy to who? Worthy for what?

In a world where self worth is influenced and measured by many things sometimes materialistic and sometimes not, I feel I really have to dig deep on some days. Self esteem is easily broken but sometimes not the easiest thing to rebuild.

TV ads, magazines and other media paint a picture of thin, toned well proportioned ladies and chiseled men with bodies that could melt butter. In our world, that is what is seen as perfection. The bigger ladies and gents are suddenly not perfect. 

So you flipped the page in that magazine and there was Sally-Anne* with her perfect skin, perfect ponytail, perfect teeth, perfect eyes and there you are weighing in at 100 gazillion kilograms with a stomach fit to contend with a pregnant cow. At that point, of course, it is hard to paint yourself in a beautiful light. 

Well, what I didn't realise then is the essence of self worth is that it is more than what I look like on the outside. Self worth is something more than that. Something bigger than anything aesthetically pleasing.

Waking up with conviction and confidence,  looking in that mirror and telling myself 'Ok fine pimple! You win today but I still have so much to offer to myself, to my family, to my friends, to my colleagues and to the people I encounter everyday.' With this attitude in mind,  I think  the basics of the subject 'Self Esteem 101' have been mastered.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think self worth is cockiness or an over zealous ego although the concept can be confused. It is definitely not making anyone around you feel small or invalid either. I think it's just knowing that you are worthy to live despite what society says and its confines.

So I think, self worth is understanding and owning that maybe physically I am fat or thin, tall or short, female or male, African or European,  Caucasian, Indian or Mixed raced. I have long, short, blonde, black, straight, kinky or curly hair. Blue, brown or green eyes. Awesome! That is what I can see with my naked eye but underneath that I am beautiful, I am respectful and treated with respect in return, I am fair, I am helpful, I am kind to others, I am strong for myself and above all, I am a living and breathing and worthy human!

Remember,  self worth is simply knowing your worthy of anything good. Anything great-That and more is your portion of the pie.