My weekend

The weekend I could be nothing for you but everything for me...

This social butterfly clipped her social wings and went on a solo mission. NOBODY was invited. Some might say I lost the plot temporarily.  Some might say it was an attention seeking stunt. Some might say 'Shes just weird'. Some may have said mood swings... What they may have  assumed was and still is completely irrelevant... 

I needed a refuel. I was not going to achieve that by going out on benders and high fiving and chest bumping, fist pumping and talking to Tom, Dick and Harriet and the other random things I usually get up to on the weekend. The weekend is just under 60 hours and I let my thoughts shape me for all of those hours. Completely unreal. I needed strength and that strength as I keep saying only comes from within.

It’s funny how a  life refuel works... it’s almost like a petrol tank refuel. Actually its exactly like a petrol tank refuel.  Once your car is heading towards empty, the red light pops up and you have to put petrol in. How ever much you put in, will determine how far you go. Somehow, that's exactly how the human is designed too. If you are not going to refuel yourself, you are not going to go very far.

I knew that I needed time. It was petrifying at first because I never need a weekend to myself. i like hanging out, talking, learning, exploring and experiencing but a hearty cheers to this situation because it was so edifying! And successfully, I learnt new things about myself. It was great to just be by myself and do everything for me! I didn’t have to double check if everyone else was okay with it, if someone else was coming, I just had to make sure I was okay and happy and how often in life do we get those moments?  

By blocking out the outside world, I had so many epiphanies... 

Sharing is good. Indeed it is good. Sharing is very good. Sharing my time, my advice, my belongings, my kindness, myself-All very good. I am of the opinion that I can always do more of sharing but this weekend I realised that if I do not take 5 minutes away for myself, I will have nothing to share.  Everybody needs space and it should definitely be a non-negotiable kind of affair. As much as we should be selfless we need to be selfish. Why? Because you are your first responsibility. If you have not taken care of you, you have no business taking care of me.

I also had to remind myself that, it's important not to forget where you came from and remember where you promised yourself you were headed. Also remembering obstacles are very much part of the journey. The minute you turn your head slightly, that's when it could get extremely blurry.  

To end my weekend, I found something fascinating on Facebook it read “Tell me about your life in 6 words”. I'm a firm believer of everything is exactly how it should be.  On reading those words, I realised almost immediately that, this was the final piece to completing my castle of thoughts. The first words that still came to  mind amidst the turmoil were “I was born to be great!” upon counting- 6 words on the dot. 

I'm no genius and by no stretch of the imagination a fortune teller but I figured as long as I'm armed with that attitude, no matter how wobbly it gets, I will be pull through and things are going to be just fine!

Left out

Left out...

I've been hearing a lot of this story lately and not only is it sitting on my last nerve but In the greater scheme of things, I find it sad.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the idea of feeling left out is just the need to fit in. I've tried thinking about why when I hear those words I feel so irritated and I've concluded that it's because I just have no desire to be anything or anyone but myself. Hmmm... Maybe just Beyonce sometimes.

It's completely natural not only to feel but be left out for most of your life. Why is it such a big deal? The fact of life is, you can never be the person that fits the mould of every situation. You can never be the person who is everyone's favourite. You can never be the taste for every palate... What you can do is be yourself and see how perfectly you fit exactly where you are supposed to be even if it means being left out of where you aren't.

We gallop through a lot of different situations on this journey. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for a reason and somehow the universe shows us this daily. We just have to look and use those enormous parts embedded in our heads  to start understanding. For some divine reason, we are created and moulded for diversity and for that reason, I am. He is. She is. They are. You are. We are!

I don't know how but I've gotten to a point of comfortable, confident and content. Realising there's so much of me for me, that feeling "left out" is the least of my worries. I will admit I'm an undiscovered lunatic and can solemnly swear some of my best moments have been by myself. If I'm not the perfect fit for a situation, that's just a situational loss.

I think the problem stems from the fact that in life we are constantly, unconsciously having to prove ourselves to everybody and everything forgetting that the most important element is proving everything to ourselves. I say this because when the curtains close and the lights go out, we are only left to answer to ourselves. Proving points is exactly how we start to lose ourselves.

Now as I approach my 27th birthday I wish I knew then what I know now. I probably would have saved myself a lot of teenage and early twenties headache and heartache trying to fit in, instead of embracing the fact that as a human I was never born to fit in, I was born to be left out. Luckily enough, in the moments I'm left out, those are the moments I find tiny bits of myself.

Remember, fitting in is not important. Standing out and pushing all boundaries, finding the way to the best you is! Unfortunately, that is the road less travelled but really, in the words of Dr Seuss "Why fit in when you were born to stand out? "

Self Worth

If anyone told me 20 years ago there are things I will need to think about in depth on my own, I probably would have looked at them and asked for a Happy Meal. 

And so with aging, there's always circumstances and situations coming up that you were never briefed for. Everyday is a new adventure. Everyday is an opportunity for a blessing. One of the things I've come to think about is, self worth. Self worth. Am I worthy? Worthy to who? Worthy for what?

In a world where self worth is influenced and measured by many things sometimes materialistic and sometimes not, I feel I really have to dig deep on some days. Self esteem is easily broken but sometimes not the easiest thing to rebuild.

TV ads, magazines and other media paint a picture of thin, toned well proportioned ladies and chiseled men with bodies that could melt butter. In our world, that is what is seen as perfection. The bigger ladies and gents are suddenly not perfect. 

So you flipped the page in that magazine and there was Sally-Anne* with her perfect skin, perfect ponytail, perfect teeth, perfect eyes and there you are weighing in at 100 gazillion kilograms with a stomach fit to contend with a pregnant cow. At that point, of course, it is hard to paint yourself in a beautiful light. 

Well, what I didn't realise then is the essence of self worth is that it is more than what I look like on the outside. Self worth is something more than that. Something bigger than anything aesthetically pleasing.

Waking up with conviction and confidence,  looking in that mirror and telling myself 'Ok fine pimple! You win today but I still have so much to offer to myself, to my family, to my friends, to my colleagues and to the people I encounter everyday.' With this attitude in mind,  I think  the basics of the subject 'Self Esteem 101' have been mastered.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think self worth is cockiness or an over zealous ego although the concept can be confused. It is definitely not making anyone around you feel small or invalid either. I think it's just knowing that you are worthy to live despite what society says and its confines.

So I think, self worth is understanding and owning that maybe physically I am fat or thin, tall or short, female or male, African or European,  Caucasian, Indian or Mixed raced. I have long, short, blonde, black, straight, kinky or curly hair. Blue, brown or green eyes. Awesome! That is what I can see with my naked eye but underneath that I am beautiful, I am respectful and treated with respect in return, I am fair, I am helpful, I am kind to others, I am strong for myself and above all, I am a living and breathing and worthy human!

Remember,  self worth is simply knowing your worthy of anything good. Anything great-That and more is your portion of the pie.

Happiness is...

"What image do you equate with happiness?"

At the time of my first question, I was just asking so I can revamp the look and feel of my blog. The various answers from my fans and fams got me here! *sounding trumpets* We have a blog post! 

I took to the streets of my life loaded with this very strong and seemingly intelligent question. Jotter in hand? Nope, just an open mind ready to receive. I posed the question to most friends and family a like in a very casual kind of way. (Yes, you were my social experiments for the day!)

...I'm not going to lie I got some weird answers and often my face was scrunched up like a bad piece of paper. Eyebrow lifting and all. My confused expression was often also followed by an over the top, "Oh..COOL ok. "

Although really, what is weird and really what is cool? 

At school we are conditioned to think the same, look the same and do the same and later on graded the same. But something that always got me is, if we all come from different backgrounds, walks of life, circumstances among other contrasts, we obviously then, can't think the same... So, why is a mouse graded for his capabilities as a horse? Or in my case, a lion graded as a stray village cat. 

I guess that's where growing older and liberal thinking gets involved. I am no longer in school and can understand that my friend equates happiness to mindlessly eating Kit Kat, another to puppies. My cousin equates happiness to money, another to children. My sqeezah* equates happiness to me. My mother equates happiness to knitting and I equate happiness to eating. (Always eating and pandas at a close second). Those things, all very different 'happinesses' but all very fine 'happinesses'. We can exist together and get along. Almost like complex puzzle pieces that make a gorgeous image in the end. The catch though is to be patient. 

This is the beauty and journey of life! 

What you think. What I think. Different. What I perceive. What you perceive. Original. It doesn't make me or you less human. Less special. Less fantastic. Less anything in fact. It just makes me, me and makes you, you.

My uniqueness builds a rare character and whether it's slugs, pugs, Uggs or mugs I equate with happiness, that is still definitely something to celebrate. I have every right to smile because I have something exciting that I can think of, draw happiness to myself and repel misery. Not too shabby! 

Remember, happiness can't be measured with a ruler. 

Just human

I am human! 

I tend to convince myself that I'm actually some creature with super human powers. Something like bat woman, spider woman. Something straight out a comic book. Eventually, I'm humbled and reminded that indeed I am mortal.

Last week I was faced with the weirdest set of events and subsequently a difficult decision. The reality is, it can definitely be worse but positivity is knowing it can also get and be much better.

The crux of the situation was to choose between something logically correct and something circumstantially correct. I have never felt so helpless to myself in all my lifetime! I was the one asking for advice and no matter what anyone said, I still really needed a match, a lighter, a torch or anything that could illuminate that which felt like darkness. 

Every circumstance is a lesson and so I learnt and possibly grasped the fact that, my decisions, my being, my life has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me. I am living and breathing for me. When you reach a crossroad in life, that is when you have to push the hardest and trust that your gut wont lead you astray.

And so I typed up the email that was and ended that which was slowly drilling a hole in my spirit. After that exercise I was reconciled with the fact that everything that is, is how it should be and everything that was is how it was supposed to be. In a moment of silence and a not so quick but eventual epiphany, I realised I made the right decision. And like a bird, I let that situation fly... away from me.

Remember, life is too long! Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy and most importantly always bounce back!

Channel your inner child

Hey readers,

First things first, Happy New Month! May the second half of 2015 be everything you wished for! 

Okay, formalities out the way, do you ever reminisce on the days where you didn't have big people stuff to do? Where colouring in the lines was the only problem you had to worry about and smudging your koki pen on your clothes was the only real thing that could go wrong? Boldly rocking leotards in every wacky design and colour. Watching Beauty and the Beast without really knowing the enormous words but mimicking every word and action Belle did and said anyway. Ahh those good times!

I did miss those days until I decided to undecide that, that way of life is childish. I realised my inhibitions are just caged because of me, not the lady staring at me in wonder because I want "One ticket to Disney on ice, please!"

Please don't get me wrong. I am a mature adult *insert dramatic pause* I do what I'm supposed to. I pay bills, that don't make sense, buy marked down goods to save a buck or two, make sure there's petrol in the car, also recently abolished tardiness. Erm... what else, I exercise and eat right-ish and.......Oh look! There's a bird!

No really, the only thing about me that might rebut my maturity is the disclaimer I come with, "Never skimp on childlike ways, dude." I think I perfected the balance of adult at body and child at heart. (Well, that's my opinion, not fact based at all)

Being a child was just incredibly fun! It was so fun. I remember so vividly riding my purple bicycle (my biggest fear then was falling- only because I'm mortally petrified of blood) and devouring cake without thinking once, "Hmm, how many calories is this?". What was I thinking all those days I was told 'You're just a child' and subsequently flying into a fit of rage. I was no child! I was a pre-teen. 

I take nothing away from being an adult. I'm very grateful to be a young adult who has eyes to see, nose to breathe, mouth to talk and taste (mainly talk) fingers to type and gumption to journey through life. I'm humbled to know the things I do- good and bad. I choose to incorporate my inner child into doing grown up things. Yes, make no mistake! I am the overprotective auntie that will bounce with her niece on the trampoline. Eat ice cream from a cone and get some on her nose. Race my nephews to the end of the street and always give them a high five anyway when they lose. 

Ah! The excitement that is being free, feeling free-dropping every concern, burden, frustration, aggravation in the world and riding a unicorn into a mystical place where animals talk, the sun giggles and flowers smile. No, I'm not crazy- To me, that is living! 

If you happen to find me in a fancy attire playing frantically with a teddy bear dispensing machine at a game arcade, its not only because I tend to get competitive or because there's something fundamentally wrong with me upstairs but really because I know something about this life thing that you, serious adult, don't... 

Remember, age is nothing but a number. One say use the last number in your double digit to set yourself free. Go on now with your fierce self, channel your inner child! 

Definitions

I am a lot of things to other people. To name a few I'm the mischievous daughter, demanding little sister, crazy friend, difficult diva, loyal confidant, notorious frenemy, self professed comedian, aspiring... that list goes on.

Writing to you (believing that 'you' is not just an imaginary friend) every week has probably been the most therapeutic decision I have ever made. I've opened my eyes to endless possibilities. Adventures. For you and for me. I guess that would also make me a selfless writer or rather in the words of the cool kids, a blogger.

In this life thing we get two kinds of people, people who will love everything we do and people who will hate everything we do. I've read so many posts where people say things like "This one is for my haters..."-Record skip please. What?! What hath possessed you to use your data/ wi-fi, fingers, time and other important things needed to shout out to someone who hates you? 

Please stop that with immediate effect! Use that energy to shout out to your lovers platonic and otherwise.  They will appreciate it more. And maturity is... *cue JayZ dirt off my shoulders*

People define us everyday, every second. Perhaps you found yourself picking your nose in traffic (guilty) that woman in her beamer was probably thinking, DISGUSTING or letting one rip while laughing, (guilty) the people who smelled it must have thought, PIG or mistakenly throwing an eff bomb, (not guilty) your in laws may have thought unkempt and just like that you are a DISGUSTING, UNKEMPT PIG! 

That interview you went to last week the minute you stepped in you were defined. You were either fit or unfit for the position. The power rested in your hands. You had the swaying vote. (I want to state on record,  this is the one time you should care what a person thinks.)

Well, life is like an interview with an interviewer, everyday. You can define yourself or be defined. Completely and utterly up to you. I've decided that I'm the interviewer and interviewee here. I'm going to define myself and the only person I have to prove that to is myself. Whatever anybody else thinks of me is absolutely their business. I refuse to stress myself over things I can't change (or rather can change through copious amounts of effort. Not worth it). With that being said there are boundaries, which is probably a discussion for another time but to give you an idea using my moral compass is a good start.

I would rather focus on things I want to be and digest the fact that I can BE! It's as simple as 1,2,3 and 4 (I added the four because I can be an accountant too)

Remember, a definition is almost like a sum of words. Do yourself a favour. Make. Your. Own.

Me + awesome= I AM AWESOME!