Comfortable in my own skin

Comfortable in my own s

I've always come across as the kind of girl that can't be put down. #ConfidenceOnFleek - some would say. Not always a bad thing but not necessarily a good thing either.

With that said, journeying through each passing day, I realise that there is a thin line between confidence and obnoxiousness. You just have to wear each suit appropriately.

In anticipating the next level of undisputed awesome, I realise that my confidence levels can easily grow and can just as easily wither - very much like a flower. It's up to me to mould it in the right direction to get the most of the best outcome.

In the wake of the universal turmoil and sabotage of brown skin, I boldly embrace not only my skin - beautiful & chocolatey - but also embrace and affirm who I am, what I like and my passions, regardless of what is popular opinion and what is not. I guess that's what 'they' mean by #DoYouBooboo. Somewhat petrifying in the beginning but really, you have to stand for something or fall for anything.

Which brings me here, I kinda understand why people say life begins at 30. Late twenties aren't as bad as they sound though. I have grasped being confident about what I am and somewhat confident on how to do this life thing, that's a big chunk of what I can ask for. I am not the same person I was last year or the year before or even the year before that - that's a start. That's a stage. I see growth. My twenties have given me room to fail, fall apart, learn, grow, mould and the chance to know that every day, every situation and every person I encounter is a reason and opportunity to learn and even understand from another perspective...

Here's to keeping it moving everyday regardless, reaching a place of engrossing confidence and comfort in my beautiful (brown) skin.

Remember, you're only as confident as you plan to be.

Emancipating change or something like it...

I'm of the opinion that friends are the family you choose. Best choose well, you can't keep changing your family like underwear... calls for weird dynamics, right? 

This is one tale of friendship and change as I've lived it...

We all live a life that continues to metamorphosizes day by day. We wake up, we sleep, we eat, we drink, we speak* (If afforded such luxuries anyway). We do almost everything systematically/routinely and its very hard to believe that things change so much and so quickly too. Only later on, a week, a month,a year we realise that change is imminent and change is necessary and change has happened. In the changes in personality and interests sometimes even your group of friends change. Suddenly the family you choose no longer fits in your routine, fits in your goals and you start to move further and further apart. Sad but true. Sad but ok. That's part of the journey of life

I had a friend not so long ago. She was one of those friends that I would see every weekend and she would confide in me & at some point we were inseperable. She would go the extra mile by introducing me to her other friends as ' her best friend in the whole wide world.'
I knew that was never the case because we did have our differences, differences that best friends should never have. None-the-less, I still took her as a friend and with being my friend comes a lot of blatant honesty. Not the one sided type but were I expect the level of honesty from you that I give to you. I mean... Is that too much to ask?

Fast forward to about a week ago, I realised that not only did she block me off Facebook but
stopped following me on Instagram too. The what now??? At that point I realised our friendship was not just over but very over. It wasn't at all that I kept her on Facebook to keep tabs on her, nor did I ever play the dormant Facebook 'friend'. We had grown apart, yes, but I would always like the occasional status or better yet drop a text when she was doing good. Not only was I shocked but a little hurt too especially because it was all of an intentional act. That was never discussed and never hinted. Adding insult to injury would be finding out that she still follows the rest of our mutual friends and some of my family members. Im the only one that got the cut. What did I do so wrong? As life would have it, I bounce back and its turned to a standing joke: When you get defriended not only on Facebook but in real life too. Rough. All's well that ends well, one less person following (read:stalking) you on Social Media.

Initially it was awkward. It was very awkward but what's even more awkward is the realisation that we are adults. We are adults and life is moving at quite a pace. Within a couple of years my focus won't be who wants to be friends, who is drinking what, my concern will-God willing-be my kids who I would like to grow up in the presence of loving, responsible parents, extended family and framily (friends that turn to family). That's all. If I'm not building a good environment for myself now, free of drama, free of people who make bad decisions & don't learn from them, people who are not on the same path as me, then I'm doing it all wrong and certainly not doing myself any favours.

That's when it dawned on me that actually actually actually. I didn't lose anything. Did you hear that? I lost nothing. This person that called herself my best friend, constantly made decisions I wasn't comfortable with and during our reign I constantly had to put in more effort to maintain this one friendship. Maybe then I had that kind of time & patience but unfortunately or fortunately that is not the case now. If i think about it which I have, I come to realise that this person doesnt fit in anywhere with anything in my life. Don't get me wrong, its not so much that she's not good enough, it's more that she's not good enough to be in my circle and my business. A decision she made for the both of us.

 I've lost nothing because as we all know people are often only in our lives for a game and sometimes the gems stay around for a couple of seasons- The Grande Finale too. Who will it be, you might ask, however that is only something you will find out in the end.

Remember, the changes in your life are only there to build you. If you aren't building on the right foundation with the right ideas (all different and personally tailored of course), there's always a chance to tear down and rebuild, properly.

Progress

I’m definitely being quite naughty tonight, as it is indeed way past my bed time, but since I’ve been wanting to share this for a while, what is a few minutes past my bedtime just get my musings out in the open?

I like to think my writing touches and affects. I like to think I write on relatable topics. I like to think somebody is gotta be feeling this way too. I like to think my posts guide in one way or another. That’s just what I like to think. Whether all that’s true or not, here goes… something.

I would like to introduce the word ‘progress’. As the dictionary would have it:

Progress is a movement toward a goal or a further or higher stage.

This is a word heard throughout our lives. The word dates back in everybody’s life to that time (2 months plus to be precise) you were in your mommy’s tummy, getting comfortable with being comfortable. Growing slowly but surely.  For us to be here and be healthy and able [to read] the doctor must have said once or many times, “Your baby is making progress”. The word is also repeated in your early- out the womb days, continuing all the way through primary school, secondary school and if you are privileged enough, tertiary too.  Just like that, we have a timeline of constant progress. Beautiful and somewhat fluid.

If you’re living this life thing, progress is imminent, active and I guess responsive, but it can also be staggered, slow and sluggish. I don’t doubt that life is a beautiful journey because I have one too many testimonies and epiphanies to believe otherwise. A recurring theme in my posts is the idea of bumps throughout the journey. In those times, your progress always seems like it’s being interrupted or stunted and that moment in time it is so hard to get out of or even believe there’s a way out. Everything and anything can happen in one, two, three days, infact everything does happen! Life does happen regardless of whether you are conscious or unconscious about it, in that moment though, it seems like very minimal is happening, however what we fail to grasp is that tiny drops make an ocean. It is through doing that small bit today, that little bit tomorrow and that tiny piece of this and that next week, that gets the job done and builds a masterpiece-This is also how progress is made. That is how you reach your milestones.

May 2015 and May 2016 already look completely different in my perspective. The person I was in 2015 and the person I am now probably wouldn’t recognize each other. The lows were low and highs were high but it is really through some divine intervention I can sit here and write the words, “I am fine. I am in a good space. My journey is my own”. This progress thing, is a thing. My journey continues.

I must admit, in naming this blog all those days ago I had a vague idea of what a journey was (thanks Oxford dictionary) but I don’t think I was ready for what I had opened myself up to and what this part of my journey entailed. I have been patiently surprised and devastatingly disappointed all, in the same breath. Things don’t always go your way and that’s OK because they will go some way and I guess as long as you’r doing your best, you can expect results. Everything that happens in your life is not a mistake, once you grasped that, you will find the days are days and the nights are nights and somehow you live through each day and each night, moving on to the next day and night et cetera.

The reality of the matter is, you have to push on the good days just as hard as you push on the bad days. Progress comes from the act of pushing yourself, moulding yourself, adapting yourself and of course, trial and error.

I don’t have everything but what I do have is yet another progress report. I cannot stress this enough too, never measure your progress against anyone else’s. Stick to your lane, keep your eye on your own goals and realise that you are your only competition. Be the best you!

Remember, progress is an ongoing process- Never give up!

Victim or victor

The days, weeks and months leading up to this post have been slow, somewhat treacherous and equally as frustrating. I’ve spent copious amounts of days with ‘clipped wings’- Death of motivation for a busy be like myself. Unfortunately, instead of practicing what I have preached in the past, I’ve found it easier to feel like a victim.

Yesterday, today, last week, a month ago, January the 31^st, those were all borrowed time that I realize to my self-detriment, I have wasted. I’ve wasted them because I have single-handedly chosen not to apply myself. What do I say to that? Sies! (Yuck) No more!

As the journey continues, it’s clear that it is so easy to hit a bump in this road and another, and then another and another and another until it eventually feels like there’s no smooth patch in sight, relentlessly throwing you into the deep end of doubt, disbelief and sometimes neglect-A deep vortex that some people don’t ever find their way out of. As I gather the courage to walk on, I need to realize that these tough days will come, and they will come fierce. And you know what ‘victim’, it happens. Furthermore, the victim attitude gets you nowhere.

Dear Stranger, nobody said yesterday would be easy and tomorrow would be easier but once you apply yourself and think, there are things you can do today to take the load off tomorrow.

Dear Modiegi, it’s a normal course of life that the sun won't shine everyday but in everyday there’s an opportunity to shine- you’d be a fool not to seize those opportunities.

Dear life, sometimes it’s so hard to say thank you, but really thank you for today, yesterday and the possibility that there will be tomorrow.

The shutdown of procrastination, leads to wrapping my head around the fact that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but today is. The opportunity to carpe diem exists and should be respected. Every day that I get to breathe, automatically makes that a day to win. Let the fact that we live in a world where so many people don’t get the opportunity to see a new day, a new month, a new year or even celebrate the next birthday sink in… That should be enough motivation to get going and use today to do better!

Of course, I don’t have all the solutions on hand, but I would think the first chapter of the manual is titled ‘Start Somewhere’.

Remember, it can rain everyday but even in the toughest storms, there will come a calm. Dance in the rain and push through the storm. It is a self-service to strive to be a victor not victim of this thing called, life.

Moving forward

I have been in an on and off relationship for 4 years. Almost 2 of those years were long distance. That is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. Not only did I constantly have doubts about my feelings and his feelings. The test was on to see if we were compatible and if we were going to be together, forever.

Although we 'endured' the pangs of being in completely different countries I have to say the saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is indeed true. Modern day technology has really made communicating a little easier though and there's nothing greater than instant messaging.

Although it was not always like a scene from a movie, I managed to spend the last two years moulding this woman who is confident, comfortable and content. Who can fall but sure can get up. It sure has been a ride but I realise that our break was essential for the growth of me, and the growth of my relationship. If we hadn't taken this break. Who knows what we would be right now.

I'm no philosopher but from my point of view, I feel for a relationship to grow you really need to be apart for a good and solid amount of time and though I don't condone long distance relationships, I truly believe it is worthwhile to feel that distance for some time.

Through the ups and downs of my relationship I learnt that my journey is a testimony not only of God's grace and answered prayers but also the battle of self realisation and plenty decisions to make on many-a forked road. Everybody has a different route though and no one path is the same therefore you cant use someone else's map, you have to get as creative as possible with what is in front of you.

I'm also not naive enough to believe that the tough times are over and that, this is the fairytale part where everything is picture perfect. Nope. This journey has only just begun! I also find there's nothing more exciting than starting a new year knowing there's a new chapter involved in my life!

As someone who maps out most things meticulously what I've deduced is that we might plan and plan and plan until we are blue in the face but we never know the outcome despite our planning. I figured the only thing to do is to set your eyes on your personal goals and believe that they are completely attainable-Whatever they are, you are human and you are capable. Wherever you find yourself, create solutions with an open-mind. However treacherous the road, if you keep going you are bound to reach your destination. Whenever life throws you lemons, make lemon meringue and stuff your face!

Remember, the past has gone, the future is unpredictable and so the present is definitely a gift-Make the most of it. There's no time like the now to refresh, reflect and rejuvenate.

P.s Happy New Year! Here's to a 2016 that exceeds your basic expectations and is tailored uniquely for your greatness.

Much love, 
Ms Moodz

So what did I learn? (A tribute to 2015)

This year has been far from easy. It really tested me. Funny I should say that because if we were to put all our problems in a bowl, I’m sure 99% of us would gladly reclaim our problems and hug them tight. That much is true. As to not down play my own problems or anyone else’s, I’ve had to look at life as a beautiful, tough journey with chances, choices, opportunities and battles tailored for everyone individually.

 In 365 days, I have learnt a lot about myself and my capabilities, about my family, about my friends, situations, circumstances to name a few. I also learnt to stand for something or fall for anything but also that pleading ignorance and gauging the situation in silence will save you a lot of time and argument with basic minded people. I’ve learnt to develop a hard back and that when I find my back up against the wall the bravest thing to do is gather all my strength and push back.

I journey through life everyday only ever looking up every now and then to try and smell the roses and making some statements along the way. Retrospectively, though it’s ideal and convenient it is also acute signs of a greater problem that is Ostrich Syndrome! ‘Acute Ostrich Syndrome’ is how I land up in November of 2015 and have no clue where time went. Not only that I really look up and realise that I cant pin point one thing that is the same as it was in January or April or July. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with change of course-That is life.

This year taught me that no matter how dark it is, the sun will shine if you only let it. It taught me to believe in myself no matter how hard it is. It taught me to cling to my faith in good times and bad. It taught me that not everything that’s easy in theory is practical but you can always find a way around it. It’s taught me that ‘fake it until you make it’ is a very good way to go about things but faking perfection when you so clearly aren’t even OK may end up disastrous. It taught me that age is nothing but a number. It taught me that nobody owes me anything and I too don’t owe anybody anything. It taught me that without hard work, discipline and perseverance, success is unattainable. It taught me that life is fragile and no day is guaranteed. It taught me that things are exactly how they are supposed to be and my past decisions are what made them so in the present. It has taught me that what the world perceives as normal is not something I need to aspire to be. It taught me to live my mantra; everything is going to be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, its not the end and of course I am my best asset.

So with problems, worries, anxiety and stress aside, what can I say?

Cheers to 2015! May I be a bigger, better and braver version of myself in 2016!

Remember, that the end of the year is not the end of everything or the mark of failure because your goals weren’t reached. It only marks the end of one section of the greater journey and the opportunity to start afresh perhaps with a new strategy to reach that unique level of undisputed greatness. 

Privilege

Writing this very sincere post from a B&B overlooking the sea. I never thought it a privilege.

I'm, you're, we're living in a world that has been struggling and still is battling with this thing called privilege which leads to different spheres; racism, sexism, classism-all the isms. Today, I realised that abusing privilege in every sense of the word is so easy to do, And of that I am guilty.

I was riding a rented bike up and down the side walk this afternoon, over looking this endless and picturesque view of the sea and just soaking up the essence of being. What I forgot to realise is that the very fact that my legs can propel the bike in forward motion, that in itself is privilege. Here I am writing again and being able to write and think, thoughts. That in itself is privilege.

I was taken aback today, caught off guard really, when a lady in a wheelchair came to me and asked me to help her. Not only was I surprised. I was worried. I was reluctant. I immediately thought something bad. Looking back on this I feel like somewhere along the lines, I'm losing that sense of 'ubuntu'-if you will. My country has conditioned me to think that everybody and everything is bad or has ulterior motives, when a lot of the time, all that's needed is genuine help. I helped her anyway, but still found myself second guessing my decision after the fact. How could I be so suspicious and so judging when what I preach daily is love and giving and expecting nothing in return. I so easily forgot my values when the opportunity, to not only preach but practice too, was handed to me on a silver platter. And thinking back...what if she was an angel in disguise sent to teach me a lesson for the day, the month, the year, my lifetime. Well, maybe she wasn't an angel in the conventional sense- with a halo and wings but she definitely gave me something in our brief exchange and our paths were meant to cross.

I have legs to walk... hands that I can use... mouth to talk... eyes to see... hands to right... air to breathe... the list goes on.

As humans... *rephrase* as for myself I have of course taken for granted the simple things I can do and forgotten to just be thankful. The fact that I can do the simple, average things in life is privilege on its own. Time to stop pointing fingers at everyone else about their privilege and realise that I abuse the privilege that is bestowed upon me and maybe start using it wisely and in the correct manner; i.e. helping someone who is unable to help themselves, perhaps.

Remember, privilege is a SPECIAL right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a person or group-Treat that with dignity, use it wisely because just as quickly as the day turns to night, you just never know when you won't have it anymore.